Friends......or are they

I'm not needy, I'm more of the opposite....but I do know that when I was/am going through some of the toughest times in my life, I didn't see 90% of the friends I have reaching out to me. I didn't send them messages and beg for attention, but I notice their absent. Most my friends know that I would do anything for them, go out of my way to make sure they are happy and got what they need, but when I don't even ask for anything, but thought I would see who really cared and randomly checked on me, I was shocked. Now this doesn't mean I expect anyone to do anything for me just because I did stuff for them, but I guess the way I view friendships is different then others. 

I use to think that when people knew that you cared about them, they would give you what you give them. I guess that isn't the case in most relationships. You can't have a marriage if it's not 50/50, you can't have a friendship if it's not the same way. However, when a friendship is only considered a friendship by one party or the other when it's revolving around just one of them, that's not right. You can't have a friendship when it's one-sided. When you hold conversations and they only care when they are talking about themselves, not REALLY caring about the other person's issues/fears/accomplishments. I have recently decided to do inventory and really look into my relationships and those who have cared enough to be there for me. It seems that 90% of my friendships have started to go down different paths. It's like you start off together, but you reach a point where one goes left and the other goes right. You may still give your life for them, but doesn't mean you have to break bread with them. Friends, just friends. Not giving everything to make sure they are happy and content with life.....bc they won't do the same for you. 

I realize that a lot of people will probably get offended by this, but ya know what. I don't care. My feelings are hurt, I've cried myself to sleep bc I've felt alone and that no one cares, why can't you at least feel SOMETHING for what you've done. I'm sure some will get defensive and blame me, whatever. I'm not in the business of making others happy anymore. I ONLY HAVE TO MAKE ME AND MY CHILDREN HAPPY and even at that I fail sometimes. I have enough shit in my life to worry about, I don't need to worry about who I pissed off and why. I don't need to wonder why people can make every effort to attend other things, except the things that you are involved in. I don't care anymore. I am unburdening myself of this HUGE weight and stress that I constantly carry. I know I'm a damn good friend, but I will treat a person how they treat me. I will not be bullied into having to walk on eggshells. There are billions of other people in this world, and I make friends constantly. I'm not afraid to move on and not hurt anymore. I guess the thing that people have been trying to get me to do for the longest time has finally happened. I'm finally becoming the bitch that everyone said I should be. I love my friends, I love them like family, and that is a huge mistake for someone like me. I care too much and when they only care about me when they want something or want me to say what they want to hear, I step away. ANYONE who gets hurt over and over eventually learns to distance themselves. Sometimes they come back together after time, sometimes they don't. However it works, I need to becomes more like everyone else. Just care about having people pay attention to me and give me attention, not the other way around. 

Maybe all this is stemming from the amazing amount of stress, disarray, and shit I have to deal with right now. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I'm just as bad as the people I'm describing. Maybe I'm right and I need a break from those who say they care, yet aren't there. Maybe I lose all my friends. Maybe I end up with tons of hate mail. Maybe someone will now notice how much they've been hurting someone else. Maybe I'm just a fucking negativity nancy right now, but I know that it's affected me enough to cause me to cry through this whole blog. My heart hurts and I'm tried of feeling this way. I'm tired of people acting like they are in junior high, you know what, I don't think people even have another mode. I mean even old people say that about other old people. I think we are doomed to feel like this, in that case, I'm buying a private island and leaving the world! lol. I just know that I'm done with hurting and wondering why I'm not important too. To a few, I have been. There have been a few that have gone above and beyond like I would for them. So that I am thankful for. But the rest, I'm just done. I don't know if anyone will even read this, and frankly, I don't care. This is a way for me to get it out there in the universe, to release my feelings, without having to bring it to one persons attention at a time. I don't feel like pointing out WHY they have made me feel this way, bc they will just deny it and get defensive. Won't matter. Anywho, this is my blog on why I feel that I need to become a hermit. At least then they won't be hurt by people they thought cared. 

Yes, I get that people have their own shit, that's not what this is about. How i wrote it will probably make it seem the opposite of what I just said, but it's not. This is my blog, my place to vent, if it bothers you then maybe you have a guilty conscience. I know that's the only time stuff bothers me. I should quit before I get myself anymore worked up than I already am. Crying sucks when you can't breathe already.  

Grrrrr.....life

Life can throw you some mean curve balls. Sometimes you can duck, sometimes you can hit a home run of those puppies, but sometimes you git hit square in the gut with them. Ever since I've gotten back from Ireland, it's like life has decided to puke all over me (interesting visual, I know) and I just can't seem to get out of her exorcist vomit path. There are a lot I could grip about, the medicines I was on that made me go crazy, the idiot people in the world, or the stupid decisions I've made....but I'm not going to do that. Instead I'm going to focus on Thor. That's right, Thor. He's so sexy!! Yummmmmy *drool* *swoon* *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhhh* for the next, however long it takes you to read this, you will be reading about Thor and his amazingly awesome self. If you would rather advert your eyes and not read this, then you would be denying yourself a fine piece of work (hahaha, see what I did there?!?!) So let's begin.....

I'm just Jossing you (seeeeee what I did there?! I know it's not the correct word, but it works), I'm not going to talk about Thor, I am going to talk about what I feel though. It'll probably be pretty random, but I can't keep it inside, and my diary is too far away (50 feet maybe away, that's a LONG way). First things first, I do love my friends. Even though I deactivated my Facebook, and I don't talk to you all the time like Facebook gave me the opportunity to do, I still love you all. I honestly feel like with how my life is and where it seems to be going, running away to a foreign country is seeming more and more likely. I have this overwhelming urge to start church, get a tattoo (and if you know my history on the first, you'd know that's a big deal, OUCH), and cut all my hair and dye it some outrageous color. I am SURE it's all the crazy meds trying to leave my system, but still. It's an overwhelming urge and I am about to jump on board. I've been researching schools and scholarships to go to Ireland or England. I've also been looking into schools out of state, in case I can't go out of the country. I know, life would suck without me, but you are amazing, you can do it!! lol

I'm trying to realize that we all make mistakes, we all do bad things, but just because we don't think they will happen to us, doesn't mean it won't.